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Kimberly Warner's avatar

“Now the room softens.” <<< That is such an extraordinary line. I felt it in my body as I read it.

I think it was Gabor Maté who said “Safety is not the absence of threat…; it is the presence of connection.” And it seems that NVC is doing exactly this—creating safety through earnest connecting.

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Ann Collins's avatar

Thanks so much Kimberly! Exactly so.

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Catherine Arnold's avatar

Thank you!

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Ann Collins's avatar

💛💛💛

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Manuela Thames's avatar

Thank you for these great reminders and these tips on communication. It is more important than ever.

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Ann Collins's avatar

Thanks for being here Manuela!

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Neil Barker's avatar

Thank you for sharing, Ann. I like this breakdown of Non-Violent Communication. I think this point you make is especially important: "...the words we choose can shape not only our relationships, but the very future of our communities." Such a great point.

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Ann Collins's avatar

Thank you so much Neil. Words define our way of living together.

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Tavia's avatar

Wow, this is really thoughtful. Thanks for sharing!

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Ann Collins's avatar

Thank you Tavia! I know how much the right words mean to you, especially.

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roger hawcroft's avatar

This was a fortuitous read for me. I had just returned from a walk with my friend, a Belgian Shepherd, along the creek and around the reserve where there are trees and nature and green and, mostly, peace.

I spend time in such a way not just as exercise for my friend but because it calms me. I had just spent a pointless waste of an hour or so in responding to abusive and flawed criticisms of a comment I had made on an online post.

In not unusual fashion, the critic appeared lacking in comprehension skills, one who confuses a view about an issue with the character or personality of the person making it and one who is clearly schooled in and conditioned by right-wing notions of inequity and inequality and their causes.

Although I started with an attempt to explain the flaws in his argument and give extra evidential support for my own, the responses, continually, were simply arrogant, patronising and character attacking.

Finally, having experienced much or this, as well as arrogance of large corporations who have manipulated things such that I have lost what I'm owed, and the failure of 'Help' desk people to show even any semblance of having read what I had sent them and their failure to do anything but the very opposite of 'helping'.

Tired, frustrated, despondent and depressed, I had nothing left in my toolbox of reason and finally let go with an expletive inclusive dismissal and request that he 'go away', which he of course failed to accept but, instead, continue his condescension, personal abuse and character assassination and puerile argument.

That was it for me and, leaving aside my normal care to address the issues rigorously, seriously and politely, I told him clearly where to go - obviously an impossible place. I also, for a rare time in my life online, blocked him to avoid further communication or similar outburst.

Now, although some might say he deserved it, I feel a failure because I let myself react in that way. I feel guilty about it and, to such an extent, that I am considering deleting all my online activity, despite, because of my suffering taijin kyofusho, and having neither family nor friends beyond Lennie, the Belgian Shepherd who shares my life, online activity being my only real means of communication with others or exploration of ideas.

So, to cut short my long-winded explanation for my appreciation of your article, I found it valuable, both a reminder and new learning and advice that, if followed by many more, would indeed make society a better and more harmonious place.

Sincerely, thank you.

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Ann Collins's avatar

Much love to you Roger for trying so valiantly to be understood. You’re upset because you care about exchanging ideas with clarity and civility. You value intelligent discussion. unfortunately nonviolent communication needs to be a two-way street and some people just aren’t ready to go there yet. It’s OK.💛💛💛

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roger hawcroft's avatar

Thank you, Ann, for understanding and for doing what you do to help people understand themselves and others and obtain the 'tools' that allow them to be better both in understanding themselves and understanding others.

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Kim Nelson's avatar

Dear Ann ~ As we enter this week where so many carry great fear, you've generously offered a rubric for coping and caring. So good. 🫶🏻

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Ann Collins's avatar

Thanks so much for sharing Kim!

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Glyn Lehmann's avatar

Thank you for these insights into how to navigate our way through life with thoughtfulness and compassion, Ann. I was reminded of Gandhi’s saying, ‘There is no path to peace. Peace is the path.’ As you so beautifully express it here, NVC is a way of being.

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Ann Collins's avatar

Thank you so much, Glyn—beautifully said! How much I wish this were our path. I live in Hope.

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Susie Mawhinney's avatar

Thank you for this insightful essay Ann, I will carry these words with me into tomorrow's meeting which will undoubtedly be swamped by the opposite of NVC in order to create a more peaceful and empathetic ambience, you say "I believe that Non-violent Communication is the purest service we can offer each other, right now." I agree, with my whole heart I agree!

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Ann Collins's avatar

Susie, thank you. May it serve as you needed it to. Sometimes knowing about NVC lets us at least be able to see where our conversation is broken. and maybe that’s the first step. I think of the American political debates and the way the candidates are constantly talking over each other. The conversation is really broken before it starts.

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Conny Borgelioen's avatar

I love your poem and your explanation of non-violent communication, Ann.

"We give what is alive in ourselves: our attention, our healing presence—our nonjudgemental love and service." These words resonated with me deeply. That's what I'm trying to practise in my work at the social grocery as well. It's a struggle sometimes, because I'm very introvert and like to be in my own little world of thoughts. But I recognise that it's necessary to build lasting connections. It can be very satisfying to see how people react to me now and it gives me that warm glow inside :)

I wish you all courage and a warm, safe home over there on the other side of the Atlantic. My thoughts are with you.

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Ann Collins's avatar

Conny, I’m so grateful the gift of your loving presence here. And when I hear you say that you feel some of that love also moving right back to you in everyday situations—this gives me such happiness. Thank you for your blessings. They are much appreciated.

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Jonathan Potter's avatar

Beautifully written and much needed. Thank you.

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Ann Collins's avatar

Thank you for saying so, Jonathan. Something I care very much about.

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Marilyn Graham Werden's avatar

A (clear) request invites the possibility of cooperation without manipulation. That is my sweet little takeaway this morning. It fits right in my pocket.

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Ann Collins's avatar

Beautiful Marilyn—may it serve you. I’m practicing right alongside you.

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Marilyn Graham Werden's avatar

Thank you!

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MK Creel's avatar

Such a beautiful poem. I felt it too, that softening of the room.

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Ann Collins's avatar

Thank you MK. Our softness is our strength.

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Hasse's avatar

NVC is something I've stumbled upon a couple of times in my life, and I feel like I've learned a lot from it without ever taking the full plunge into it. It is undoubtedly effective, and the call for it couldn't be more timely than right now.

This was a wise and thoughtful reminder. Thanks, Ann!

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Ann Collins's avatar

I imagine this comes rather naturally to you being such a good listener, Hasse.

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Hasse's avatar

Haha. Maybe a little... But the point about having the first step be pure, "un-evaluated" observation is definitely something I feel I can learn something from.

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Ann Collins's avatar

Yes, takes the ego out of it. Lets us see what’s happening.

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Hasse's avatar

Exactly. It’s a great lesson.

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liz's avatar

This is so needed right now. So important and fills me with hope, even as I am also filled with dread and worry. Thank you so much, Ann! ❤️

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Ann Collins's avatar

We will stay anchored in caring. If anything, we will double down, right?

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Robert LaCombe's avatar

Very good essay, thank you for sharing.

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