Non-Violent Communication

A Brief Guide for Peaceful Conversations

an empty snail shell found near New Hope Creek

Dear Ones,

As political power changes hands in America, and Inauguration Day approaches, we are standing at a door afraid to open it.

I know the fears have grown steadily in many of us. As a nurse and a mother of grown children, I regularly find myself in the role of confidante, as someone entrusted to help patients and colleagues process their anxieties. What I’m hearing now, is a growing sense of dread—and, not surprisingly, it’s coming from across the political spectrum.

I wish I had a word for our collective vulnerability that might help us carry it with greater compassion in these tense days. I have a large sense of this dread, myself. It has been building for months now, and lately, sleep has been difficult. One morning just after the election, I wrote down a poem that came to me in the night.

Matins

Always in the dark

there’s a loosening

of bodies,

of tongues.

Now the room softens.

We have things to tell

each other.

How we communicate has never been more important.

An unhurried, tender-hearted conversation is something that can be uncomfortable in our goal-oriented society with its idealization of speed and production. I work in the field of dentistry—an area of healthcare which depends upon hyper-efficiency for obvious reasons. Because honestly, no one wants to spend one unnecessary moment in a dental chair. Believe me, I understand and sympathize completely.

However, it’s been my experience over many years of practice, that to slow down—to communicate with a level of vulnerability and care—can be a radical act of kindness. And counter-intuitively, it can also save time by replacing miscommunication with clarity. Fear with trust.

This is true not only of how we speak, but how we listen, empathize, and connect.

It matters.

a young Beech tree in the snow at Johnston Mill Nature Preserve

I’ve been grateful to have been trained in the art of Non-Violent Communication, but you do not need to be a health practitioner to use this technique. NVC is a framework developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s that has since grown into a global movement for peace and understanding.

This way of communication emphasizes empathy, mutual respect, and compassion over the reactive and divisive language that has sadly become the norm today.

The Four Steps of Non-Violent Communication

OBSERVATIONS: The first step in NVC is to make an observation. In typical communication, our observations are often clouded by judgments and assumptions. These are our own interpretations. The goal of observation is twofold: to express what is actually happening in a given moment, and to create space for the other person to respond without feeling criticized. This is essential for building trust.

We want to separate observation from evaluation. An observation is a factual statement about what we perceive with our senses. For example, instead of saying, "You're being so closed-minded." we might say, "I notice that you’re not letting me finish my answer to your question." This statement is neutral and descriptive, avoiding any blame or judgment. It invites further conversation without provoking defensiveness or hostility.

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FEELINGS: The next step is to identify and express our feelings. In NVC, feelings refer to the emotional responses we experience in relation to our needs being met or unmet. Often, when we communicate, we fail to distinguish between feelings and thoughts. For example, saying "I feel like you're being unfair" is actually a judgment or interpretation, not an emotion. A true feeling might be something like "I feel afraid." or "I feel disappointed."

Rosenberg emphasizes the importance of owning our feelings and taking responsibility for them. Our emotions are not caused by other people; they arise from our own inner world, especially in relation to our needs.

Feelings, in the context of NVC, are not just about expressing ourselves—but also about creating an atmosphere where others feel safe to express their own emotions. By clearly identifying and sharing our feelings, we allow for deeper connection and mutual understanding.

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NEEDS: One of the most profound aspects of NVC is the focus on needs. And this, I think, can be the most difficult piece. We aren’t always good at identifying our own unmet needs. All of us have needs that drive our behavior, and these needs are the root cause of our feelings. When our needs are met, we feel fulfilled, content, and connected; when they are unmet, we experience frustration, anger, sadness . . .pain.

In NVC, we are encouraged to connect our feelings with the needs behind them. For example, if we feel irritated because someone was late, the underlying need might be "for reliability" or "for respect of our time." If we feel hurt by someone's words, the unmet need might be "for understanding" or "for empathy."

Recognizing and expressing our needs—not as demands but as honest, vulnerable expressions—creates a deeper level of understanding and compassion. If you are able to do this for another person, who may be very upset in the moment, it can be a beautiful thing to witness the relief flood onto their face when you name their unmet need.

You don’t have to guess. Often, I will pause and simply ask a patient: Is there anything you need right now? Giving control back to a person can be very reassuring. They know that they are safe, somewhat in control of their situation, and are in calm and caring hands.

The key to NVC is recognizing that all needs are valid. This focus on needs also opens up the possibility for creative solutions. It shifts the conversation from positions and demands to shared understanding and collaboration.

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REQUESTS: The final component of NVC is making a request. After identifying our feelings and the needs behind them, we express a concrete, positive request to the other person. The request is framed in a way that invites collaboration rather than demands.

A request should be specific, doable, and free of any threats or conditions.

The beauty of requests in NVC is that they invite the possibility of cooperation without manipulation or pressure. It allows us to ask for what we need while respecting the needs of others, creating a space for mutual respect and understanding.

Sometimes people need help expressing a clear request. I try to help them do that in a way that’s empowering and satisfying.

I believe that Non-violent Communication is the purest service we can offer each other, right now. When we do this, what is it that we give one another?

We give what is alive in ourselves: our attention, our healing presence—our nonjudgemental love and service.

In giving these generously, we receive back what is alive in others: their gratitude and love. We are built for this. Hardwired from birth. This mutual vulnerability, honesty and love has the effect of releasing our human gifts—our talents, our joys, our friendship, and our uniquely creative ways to solve problems together.

At its core, NVC offers a radical shift in how we engage with each other, whether in personal relationships, workplaces, or within political discourse. In a time when dialogue can so easily descend into conflict, Non-Violent Communication stands as a beacon of possibility—a reminder that the words we choose can shape not only our relationships, but the very future of our communities.

May it serve you as a tool for peace and wellbeing in this microseason and always.

xo Ann